i'm signing you up for texting rehab
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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