I will die if light touches me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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