I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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