I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
