The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
