Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
