When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
