Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
