In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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