The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
