i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
