Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
