1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
