I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
