Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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