On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
