what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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