and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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