I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
