DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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