...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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