If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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