and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
