So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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