The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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