Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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