toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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