Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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