I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
