Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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