he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
