When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
