Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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