Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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