My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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