She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
