Acid is not a monday night drug
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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