if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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