Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
