The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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