Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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