I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
