How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
