you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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