We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
