I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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