I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.