The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off