I can tuck mytits in my pants
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."