Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
