If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
