I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
