3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
