I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
