im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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