Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I checked into jail on foursquare
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
