I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
