She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
