whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
