Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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