My liver just broke up with me...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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