I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
