sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
